Darkness never felt so good.

stupid girl; to fall for a boy when you should have waited for a man.

17. The perfect age to fall in love. A time where friends are priority and having a good time is all that's listed on the agenda. Boys grow tall and muscular, while girls form curves. Attraction is inevitable and everyone is so ready to be in love. They forget that they don't know what love is. What does it mean to love? How do you love the right way? Of course no 17 year old knows this and decides to promise to love someone forever-they don't even know what that means. They don't know the gravity of a one four letter word that can make or break a kid's senior year. So when 17 year olds find out that love is hard and it takes work, they don't know what to do. Because they don't even know what love is, what it takes, or how it works. Unfortunately when these kids ask their parents they say "Love is complicated. There is no way to describe it. You just KNOW..." Kids take this too literally and think that getting a boner when you look at someone is KNOWING. In reality love is so much more. So pathetically indescribable, so tragic, that it's beautiful. Humanity is STUMPED by this feeling because, noone can describe it the right way or do it the right way. We all wander in the abyss of love for all eternity. We all wander in this said abyss with our partners. It is the best black hole to fall in. it is also the worst. But no matter what. It's fascinating...even though we wander in the dark for all time in this shit hole of love we want to be there. We search and want so badly to be in the abyss of love that we'll promise it to someone at too young an age just to see what the darkness feels like. 

CAUTIION:(written by a 17 year old who has NO IDEA what love is)

So what do i do? as a 17 year old who thinks she's in love? with a boyfriend who just might be telling the truth? should i trust a boy who has all the potential in the world to break my heart? Is it worth it to love so passionately even if the end is almost certainly inevitably going to end in heart break? Will i regret saying goodbye too soon? Could he really be the one that i let go?

he says he loves me...

but he doesn't even know what it means or why he loves me to begin with.

more questions...

in love are there any questions?

"no. you just KNOW" im tired of they ''KNOW'' bull shit. love in this world is hard and it takes work to put up with people these days.

Let's just hope I make the right decision...

I wish...

I wish I could fly,

Maybe then I could get closer to the sky than I've ever dreamed.

I wish I could sing,

Maybe then I could feel confident as a musician.

I wish I could play the piano,

Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I let my mother and myself down.

I wish I could follow my dreams,

Maybe then one might come true.

I wish I was funny,

Maybe then I could brighten someone's day.

I wish I was smart,

Maybe then I wouldn't be so worried about college.

I wish I could care about band,

Maybe then I wouldn't be one of those "bad leaders."

I wish I were good at something,

Maybe then I would feel like I had a purpose.

I wish I had a passion,

Maybe then I would feel like life had meaning.

I wish I could run,

Maybe then I could run away from all the messes I've made.

I wish I could transform,

Maybe then I could hide from life. 

I wish I could stop messing up,

Maybe then people would like me.

I wish I could hear God,

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone.

I wish I would let myself be happy,

Maybe then I wouldnt feel like crying.

And I wish I didn't suck at life,

Maybe then I wouldn't feel like dying.

What do I do? Go with my boyfriend or my sister/best friend. This wouldnt be so bad if i didnt try to fucking please everyone. fuck. me. be gone with me and life would be so nice.

Ego-America the Great

This is not an arms race of weaponry this is an arms race of materialistic "necessities"

We live the American dream, parking wherever we want and listening to only the loudest music possible, without care or compassion for others. A truck that could kill a family of 4 in one sedan has the right to park illegaly-just because its big. Tail-gating on I-35 just to catch a movie time. Parking the farthest away from a door just so everyone knows, your truck was too big to park any closer. Let's lift it another 10 inches so it decapitates anyone who gets in your way, get bright lights that blind anyone trying to drive in front of you, and blast the stereo so loud it makes your passenger's kidneys hurt. Yes, let's live the American dream. Cool, big, fancy, loud trucks, expensive phones and hobbies, and an attitude that could kill.

Call yourself a redneck. I dont care thats not how Americans were meant to be. Americans came for peace, from suppression. They came to live their lives and pursue happiness. Well happiness shouldn't come from another's heartache. Who kills? MURDERERS. a gun doesnt give you the right to kill. noone has that right. Muscles don't give you the right to beat anyone up. Money doesn't give you the right to judge and complain.

I saw where America is headed. I'm not headed that way. I dont need a fancy house. I wont be treated like a princess.

No wonder other countries hate us, we think we have to rub it in anyones face how great of a country we are. When really we are the ones dying...dying because nothing will ever satisfy us. Forever thirsty for a better tv, forever craving a bigger,newer, better house, car, life. Never thankful for the things we have, the air we breath, the STOLEN land we live on, never even thankful to be alive.

Someday we'll be thankful...but not of our own free will.

Never thankful that our best friends can go to school with us, that girls can wear skimpy outfits and have sex with as many people as they want. Never thankful for education. Never thankful that it is illegal for a man to beat you. In other countries some women can't even show their faces. doesn't that sound nice? some men have the right to beat their wives if they cheat.

So. While we complain about different races living on "our country" let's take a second to remember who's country it was first. Native Americans. This land is stolen and not rightfully ours. God did not put you on this Earth so you could take over everything. Especially an innocent people who's culture is ancient. I think this is where capitalism came into effect at some point. The mindset that men have the God-given right to expand their boundaries and take what they want. And the mind set that men are right and that anyone different should either change or DIE. "Welcome to America: Be like us or go home." yeah way to go "American Supremecists"  yeah i just made that up but it makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Its okay to live in America and be a different race, just as long as you ACT American, noone has a problem with it. BUT if you wear the traditional garb of your country that means youre a terrorist. If you act one way you're stupid and deserve a mean name.

whatever. im ranting about nothing. and i must admit im sometimes a hypocrite. But i NEVER judge someone before they're given a chance to be who they are. Gay people are usually really freakin awesome. Black people are just like everyone else. Asians too have nothing against the US and work the hardest to be here. There's so many more people and ethnicities that we all are. The mixing pot.

Get over you're upper-class-white-American selves and lifestyles and realize that you are just as uncivilized as anyone else. It's called human nature.

I haven't cried in a really long time.

does that make me weaker or stronger? Does it mean my life is too perfect or am I bottling everything up? Or have I no reason to cry but my subconscious bi-polar self thinks that its time to be sad?

I can't control it. One point im on the edge of being completely emotionless and carefree and then something hits me. weird. idk whats wrong.

Suicide's worst enemy; the Sibling

Once we were young and traveled the world,

The massive world inside our mind,

Nothing could surrender our imaginations hold;

We turned cardboard boxes to gold.

Then came the responsibility,

Shyness and stupidity.

You grew to hate me and think I was numb,

Your words of hate left me quite numb.

But all that has chaged,

because both we grew,

I grew and knew,

That i wouldn't be here without you.

I dont know what to say anymore. My thoughts are everywhere and it's hard to follow conversations. I zone out all the time and I'm not motivated to do anything. And im still just so happy. It should be illegal to be this happy and still be depressed. What the fuck is wrong with me?